In my recent career change (I’m a writer now, and I’m going to keep saying that until someone pays me to do it), I’ve had to take whatever job comes in. I know I’m good at what I do, but other people haven’t figured that out, so the cushy writing gigs aren’t rolling in yet.
I was recently approached by a representative of the murder hornets. I know, it doesn’t sound plausible. Leave me alone, I’m creating a writing sample here. The murder hornets have a really bad image right now, which is understandable. Very few people like murder, and no one likes hornets. In fact, hornets are one of the few things that have a lower approval rating than actual murder.
To fix this problem, the murder hornets needed a publicist. I was the only person who bid on the job, so they sent a shady looking little man in a trench coat to my house with a contract. Now, I’m not saying that this man was actually just four thousand murder hornets in a trench coat, but the only sound he made was a loud buzzing and I still see his face in my nightmares. Still, beggars can’t be choosers, and I really didn’t want to piss off four thousand murder hornets. So I signed the contract and am now officially representing the most hated species on the planet.
In fact, I did a bit of research, and they are actually the most hated thing in existence. According to people who conduct fictional polls, the top five most hated things are…
Twilight Fan Fiction
The Dallas Cowboys Offensive Line
My first goal, after not getting stung, was to get them out of the top five. For that I needed some sort of silver lining. There must be something good about murder hornets right? No one is all bad. And the other things on the list were very unpopular. I just needed to find something to win people over, to show them that murder hornets might not be so bad. Or, I could just make the other things on the list look worse…
I considered letting murder hornets loose in the halls of congress or perhaps on the floor of the senate. This would certainly increase the popularity of the hornets and probably all stinging creatures. Even scorpions would likely get a small bump in popularity after such a prank. But a quick call to my attorney put an end to that idea. It also brought an end to my relationship with my him when he said, and I quote him exactly –
“I’ve represented the lowest of the low in my career. Cold-hearted killers, rapists, even insurance companies, but I don’t want anything to do with murder hornets. Don’t call me anymore and definitely don’t come anywhere near my office. I have a can of raid and a tennis racket and I’m not afraid to use them.”
I didn’t get a chance to ask about releasing them in the Dallas Cowboys locker room, but I have a feeling that wouldn’t be legal either. Without an attorney I was going to have to play this one straight. I needed to find something positive about murder hornets, so I did what I always do. I drank a glass of bourbon and bemoaned my miserable luck. Then I made a list of the good things about murder hornets.
Never back down from a fight
Strong sense of community and family
Excellent motor skills, including flying and stinging with great accuracy
Fast and maneuverable
Never give up, even if they are losing
I pondered this list for hours. There must be something in there I could use. I flipped on the TV to take a break and clicked over to ESPN to see which sports were canceled. The big news of the day was that the Washington Redskins were now just The Washington Football Team. They had dumped their mascot and become the NFL’s only generic football team. And that’s when it hit me. No one likes generics.
Sure, they might be just as good. At least that’s what my grandmother tells me while she puts a bottle of Pancake Syrup brand pancake syrup on the table in the morning. But no one really likes them. I had a solution for both the murder hornets, and the Washington Football Team.
Wait for it…
The Washington Murder Hornets!
Now go back and look at that list of things the murder hornets have to offer. Aren’t those all the traits you want in a football team? I’ve always thought a football mascot should be ferocious. The Ohio State Buckeyes, named after a nut for some odd reason, are the exception, but in general I find that teams with a strong mascot perform better.
And what creature will scare a lion, a bear, or a buccaneer? You’re damn right. A murder hornet. Look out Minnesota Vikings, your battle ax won’t do you much good against a swarm of angry hornets on third and long. Nobody would want any part of a team with an angry murder hornet on it’s helmet. We could even bring some of them to the game to hang out on the sideline! Okay, maybe having them at the game is a bad idea. But you see where I’m going with this. We put hornets on the helmets, we give the football team in Washington an identity again, we rehab the murder hornet’s image, and I get paid. It’s perfect.
Now I need your help dear reader. I’m going to get stung if this doesn’t work. A lot. It’s in the fine print of the contract. I was terrified at the time and didn’t read it carefully, but it’s in there.
We need to get this idea trending. So go to your twitter account, your facebook page, or just spray paint it on a wall. Let’s get #WashingtonMurderHornets trending. Please hurry. I hear buzzing…